The Evil Horton Gene
by Tolandria aka. James Horton's Second Cousin
After the amazing triumph that occurred in June of 2000 when the Human Genome Project announced that they had finished the working draft of the human genome, it is hard to believe that anything of that calibre could be discovered so soon. Well, guess again because they have. Yesterday, in a press conference featuring reporters from all around the world, the HGP unveiled that they had pinpointed the very cause of evil in the Horton family. Apparently, a mutation occurred on an autosomal gene which is very common among this line. This is similar to that of the Royal family which was know as a carrier of the disease Hemophilia. After the unspeaking acts performed by James Horton back in the early 90's, this news has brought new hope that such things may some day be eliminated. It is well known that, before his death at the hands of the good Samaritan Duncan Macleod, the renegade Watcher was responsible for the deaths of an undeterminable amount of immortals including the well beloved Darius. The information provided by the Human Genome Project may aid in a preventable measure against the evil Horton gene and, perhaps, even a cure.
After this announcement, a statement was taken from the second cousin of the infamous James Horton. She told reporters this: "This so called 'Evil Horton Gene' that we are supposedly carriers of, is nothing but a government plot created to discredit my family and all that we have achieved. Oh, so now they're going to find a cure for evil. What next? Why don't we get rid of all humanities imperfections? Then, BOOM! Designer human beings who are genetically perfect are running the world and there's people who can breath under water for hours. Yeah. I know what they're planning. It's pure discrimination.
Sure, we've been known to make pacts with the devil in order to destroy certain secret societies, like the Legacy. We feed millions of Canadians fattening doughnuts in a big scheme to clog their arteries with cholesterol. And maybe one of us decided that it was beneficial to chop off immortals heads because they would eventually dominate us. And you know what? One might think that this was discrimination but I bet they just can't wait to get their little greedy hands on this world. You can't tell me that at one time or another you haven't thought about cutting off Duncan Macleod of the clan Macleod's head with something extremely dull and then laughing maniacally. It's in all of us. It's obvious that the man is an abomination. Just listen to how he talks about honour and just think of how many have suffered because of it. And then there's that stupid long hair of his which he cut and it looks really good and I never understood before what all those women saw in him but now . . . uh. Where was I? Oh, yes, an abomination. He killed his own kinsmen, Connor Macleod and that's sick and now I bet he's vulnerable and lonely. I mean, an abomination. And look at his friend. That Welsh guy. He's an abomination. There's that accent, the cute, melting smile with all of those dimples and that biting sense of humour. Did I mention the tight jeans? Oh God, I have to go take a cold shower."
No one confirms or denies or even understands what she was talking about.
Researchers say that the evil Horton gene is dominant and the first signs of the alteration can show up even in early youth. These symptoms can include severe paranoia, incessant nonsensical babbling, the need to destroy secret societies, raging hormones in females, the strange need to disown their children, and basic evil things. Many of the sufferers commit horrid, inexcusable acts and that is why it is so important that a way to stop it is found. Whether James Horton's second cousin is right and it will only lead to other things, this discovery is ground breaking despite it being controversial. The Human Genome Project is expected to make another conquest when they finish the complete, high-quality sequence of the human genome.
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